Over Skype

Boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to sleep with all the hot math chicks he hangs with every day. I began to wonder when his new friend with a weird Turkish name like "Skavent" suddenly became "Skaventa". I always like it when my suspicions are justified. 

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During the breakup negotiations I was concerned mostly with the practical issues: when he'd send back my favorite sandals, what I'd do with my wedding dress, when we'd change our status on Facebook. Overwhelmed with the possibilities, I began to cry. "I can't do it. I can't change my Facebook status to single," I bawled, blowing my nose into my towel. "It's okay Babe, it's okay. I'll take care of it," he replied, getting that patronizing look that people get when they're so proud to help you out. I said, "You asshole I meant I don't know HOW." 

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My closest relative here is one of those feminist Boomers that pepper their conversations with maxims like "Girls Rule!". She's my mom's cousin and she constantly refers to her 21-year old daughter as "A Strong Woman" or "Her Own Woman." I absolutely love her and she's the best ever. When I finally went public about the breakup on Facebook she wrote on my wall, "YOU GO GIRL!!!" 

As if the breakup was my choice.

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My mom's cousin and her strong daughter took me for tapas this weekend. "We have to call your Aunt Kathy," she announced, "She wants to hear if you liked your engagement gift." 

Aunt Kathy sent me a pretty nice gift but I had forgotten about it because I hadn't taken it home with me. I guess I forgot to send a thank-you note because I was busy breaking up with my boyfriend via voice over internet protocol. I called and got her voicemail: You have reached 904-217-0666, please leave a message. 

What do you say in a situation like this? Right in front of your family? It was like leaving a notification of death message while packed in a Lexus with the three stooges: foreign. "Hi Aunt Kathy," I began, "I don't know how to say this, but, uh, thank you for the nice gift, I appreciate it very much. I'm sorry I didn't send you a note right away... I'll be sending it back to you, even though it's really nice and I would love to keep it, but. I can't? Because," The strong woman next to me began to giggle. Her mother began to laugh. Then I began to howl. Wicked, awkward, bitter laughter. "frankly, we broke up. Yeah I'm totally heartbroken, mostly about no toga party. Call me back! We're going for wine and tapas. Wish you were here!" 

Over a glass of wine I thought about how I'd just left the most ignorant, unfeeling, ungrateful message anyone's ever received, for the aunt who had sent me a card full of cheesy platitudes like 'A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN!!!' because she wanted to be nice. Then I found out I'd called the wrong number and left the message on a Floridian stranger's voicemail. I found this pleasing until I realized I'd have to call her back and do the same thing over again.