Alpha Malevolent

After having worked at the pizza place during a home football game, I have observed and interacted with an animal far louder, more gregarious, and lamer than the douche, or even the douchette. My friends, may I present to you: the Agéd Douche. The rumors are true, they're real, and they want to know your life story while drinking straight from the pitcher of brewsky they're nursing. I swear it's like these guys were stuck in a time warp. I'm not talking about the near-geriatric douche, I'm talkin', nearing 50, barely starting to silver, bros that neglected to realize they moved out of the frat house 30 years ago.

This actually happened:

Dodo standing there quietly reading "The Hobbit," clearly enjoying a moment of solitude.

Alpha Agéd Douche: Oh! I see you're reading "The Hobbit."
Dodo: ...yes.
AAD: So, tell me, what character do you relate to the most?
Dodo: Well, seeing as they are all male...

After his attempt to make really weird semi-hit-on conversation (despite his wedding ring and the clear fact that he could have fathered me), some bros still living in a frat house came in. They got to chatting and all did a lot of chest beating and loud beer drinking together. From this interaction two unfathomably ridiculous things took place: 1. The younguns and the oldies played each other in shuffle board. You cannot imagine the level of backhanded hatred there was, as well as chest bumps, high fives, and yelling. The testosterone level was palpable. 2. At one point I heard a young guy tell an older guy that he could do a bigger beer bong than him, to which the oldie replied that he did a three story beer bong that was apparently set up in his old frat house. Quote: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure I still hold the record on that so, watch it pussy."

At least they left a $10 tip.